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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.