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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.