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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.