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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.