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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!