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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon