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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.