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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.