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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!