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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Home is where the alcohol is.