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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"