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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.