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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.