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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"