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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.