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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.