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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s