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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.