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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!