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I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.