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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
My favorite beer is the next one.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.