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i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.