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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!