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I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.