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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I look so young for my rage.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.