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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook