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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?