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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.