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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!