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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I get as much action as a white crayon.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame