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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.