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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session