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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.