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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I`m never free but I`m available.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.