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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.