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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.