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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.