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I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”