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A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.