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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."