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I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!