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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Where is the button to restart summer?
Honk if you wanna see the finger
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.