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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.