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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...