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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.