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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.