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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?