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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.