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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
This century is already 15% over.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.