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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?