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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.