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I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.