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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!