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I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.