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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!