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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.