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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.