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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.