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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I only accept apologies in cash.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.