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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.