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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.