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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.