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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.