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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!