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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.