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I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.