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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun